The Unwritten Rules of Being a Bro
There are rules that govern male friendship that have never been written down, voted on, or formally agreed to. They just exist. Every man knows them. Violating them doesn't get you punished — it gets you something worse: the look. You know the look.
I've compiled the definitive list. Feel free to argue in the comments. That's what comments are for.
THE FUNDAMENTALS
1. Never skip a friend's birthday without a damn good reason. And "I forgot" is not a damn good reason.
2. Always spot your gym partner. Even if you're mid-set. Even if you're tired. This is non-negotiable.
3. The nod. Upward nod = you know each other. Downward nod = mutual respect between strangers. Never mix these up.
4. If a friend is talking to someone they're interested in, you become invisible. You do not exist. You do not need a ride home. Figure it out.
5. Return borrowed stuff in the same condition or better. Books, tools, trucks, hoodies. Especially hoodies.
THE SOCIAL CONTRACT
6. Don't date a friend's ex. Minimum 12-month cooling period. And even then, you ask first. This isn't a suggestion.
7. If you're at a urinal, eyes forward. There is nothing to see to the left or right. The wall is fascinating.
8. When a friend asks "do I look alright?" before a date, you tell the truth. But kindly. "Untuck the shirt" is feedback. "You look terrible" is sabotage.
9. You hold the door for the person behind you regardless of gender, age, or how far away they are. If they're too far, you've committed. Hold it anyway.
10. Group bills get split evenly unless someone ordered significantly more. Don't be the guy doing itemized math on his phone.
THE ADVANCED RULES
11. If your friend is doing something embarrassing in public, you don't know them. Until it becomes funny. Then you film it.
12. Never reveal another man's salary, relationship status, or body count unless he's volunteered that information himself.
13. The aux cord is a sacred responsibility. If you play a bad song, you lose aux privileges. No appeals.
14. When a friend achieves something, you gas them up publicly. Jealousy stays internal. That's what therapy is for.
15. If a friend says "I need to talk," you stop what you're doing. Period. No "can it wait?" No "I'm busy." You stop.
These rules are effective immediately and retroactively. Violations will be reviewed by the council (your friend group). Sentencing may include roasting, silent judgment, or being the designated driver next time.
What rules am I missing? Drop them below.